Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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