you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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