She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
