I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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