Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I stole a fireplace last night.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
