is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
