I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
