Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
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