i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
worst night to have a conscience
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
