Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
