I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
