Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
