I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize