Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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