I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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