"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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