you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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