i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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