Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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