your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
