I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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