I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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