The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
