On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
