Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
