I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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