my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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