Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
