the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
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If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
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Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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