Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Randomize
