And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
