There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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