he was CRYING into my vagina
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
