Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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