She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
