Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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