Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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