I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
