Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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