On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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