dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
