just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
