It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
