The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
