OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
