theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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