I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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