Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
