You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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