Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
