she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
What changed your mind?
Being sober
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
