I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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