i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
