Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
