i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
