Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
