she pinky promised me she was 18
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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